Yeah, title. I’m tired of being an addict. Literally everyday is a fight not to drink/use and ruin my life and I’m tired of it. Like what, I have 4 months sober and my life has only gotten worse since then. It’s not because I got sober, but holy shit I lose healthcare, I have to deal with the shittiest roommates ever, and I’m not even high enough to not care? And I can’t even sell weed anymore to keep my finances stable. I have to come on here and ask for $30 so I can have a chance at donating plasma every week just in hopes of making my situation better. Yeah, I’ve been thinking about trying to kill myself again recently because even when I was drinking a gallon of vodka a day my life was better than this, and it doesn’t even look like I have prospects of making my life better. What’s the point of being sober when my entire life just rots around me regardless of what I do?
What even happens if I get a better job with more hours, I literally solidify my position of not getting healthcare. And with recent cuts, I doubt I’ll have it next year. Schizophrenia meds + hormones are nearly $100 a month, and that’s literally just the baseline cost of not losing my fucking mind and doing some redacted shit that ruins my life. Like before I was on meds and still on Phenibut. I broke up a Nazi protest and almost ran one of them over, I was inches away from ruining my life and making national headlines that would have lambasted me for doing something fairly reasonable.
Speaking of Phenibut, I’ve been craving it like crazy recently. I’ve been in an auto immune flair up this week and existing has just been miserable, and I can’t take time off without starving and missing rent. Phenibut completely relieved me of all my auto immune issues and gave me energy to work more than part time. I literally became a chef when I was on Phenibut, my life was better when I was on Phenibut and I just have to constantly talk myself out of ordering another tub of it. My life has only gone downhill since I quit, and I’m fucking tired of it. Like this is just my life now, I’m constantly in pain and struggling to get enough energy to do basic human functions and I’m just supposed to be fine with it, like this is how people are supposed to live.
Sorry for the rant, it’s been a really bad week for me. I’m still sober, but I literally don’t see the point in me being sober anymore. I don’t see the point in not ordering another tub of Phenibut and using until I eventually try to kill myself from the suicidal ideation it causes in me. Life just keeps on getting worse and I’d probably be doing better if I was fucked up and just working through it, and it’s hard to accept that doing good for myself isn’t necessarily good for me.
I really hope your week gets better :c
Thank you, I appreciate it. I don’t think it will, but I really hope it does
I know it’s hard to go through life without something to numb the pain. It will get easier as you relearn how to deal with being sober.Keep it up! I’m proud of you.
I appreciate it. I really hope I can learn to cope without drugs and alcohol because right now it just feels like I’m white knuckling it.
At least one of the neighborhood cats is coming to visit me. Kitties always make me feel better
Kitties are nice. Also here’s a pic of my mom’s dog playing with a puppy they’re fostering atm.
I feel you on the losing healthcare front. I’m on medicaid and idk when the shoe is going to drop and I’m going to lose it. I have an appt. tomorrow with my psych doctor and I’m going to ask her if she knows, but I doubt the center I go to knows more than I do.You can check on your state’s website, it’ll tell you when your renewal date is and you can essentially treat that as the day you’ll lose it.
Oh okay, thanks, I know off hand my insurance renews next July so I guess that’s it. FUCK
Hey, try reapplying! You never know how it’s gonna go! :)
I will, rn I have coverage so I guess in what 6 month from now try it out? Not sure how it works since mine has just always reapplied by itself without having to do anything.
They’ll send you mail if you have to reapply, otherwise they’ll just let it continue. I wouldn’t place bets on next year though, I expect a lot of people to be on the cutting room floor next year
I hate this for you, comrade.
Love for Leyla- you’re one of the people that motivate me to get a foothold in building a haven outside of capitalism. There are so many possible futures where you’ll thrive!
